


We'll carry on

by lee_andrews



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angry Kakashi, Asuma/Kurenai mentioned, Canonical Character Death mentioned, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon, Sakumo in flashbacks, Songfic, at times angsty and sad with a happy ending, lots of flashbacks, responsible Kakashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:48:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24508687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lee_andrews/pseuds/lee_andrews
Summary: “And that is why the boy went back,” Sakumo nods. “The old man deserved to have a friend by his side. They all do, all the broken, the beaten and the damned, someone who is there for them, someone who listens and smiles and helps. If you ever see a person who is like that, Kakashi, don’t leave them alone.”Kakashi has a duty to his comrades he is not going to run away from anymore. Being the Sixth Hokage now, he has finally worked up the courage to adhere to his father's lessons. Not very easy when he and his friends were taught to discard their emotions and scars. Especially not easy when the person he cares for the most has been avoiding him for months._________________________Songfic based on "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance, so it features lines from the songs and references to it. I think this song suits Kakashi and his story exceptionally well.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 82





	We'll carry on

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Будем жить](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26643637) by [lee_andrews](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lee_andrews/pseuds/lee_andrews)



> This takes place one year after the Fourth Shinobi World War, so spoilers for all of Naruto, I guess.

_„Father, why did the boy turn around to save the old man instead of getting his wish fulfilled? The man told him to go get the prize and he was ready to die in battle, but the boy came back. He didn’t even know if the man would still be alive when he arrived. But he went anyway. And in the end, the old man’s wounds were too deep, and he died, and the boy couldn’t get the wish, because that other dude got the magical flower first.”_

_Sakumo smiles at his son. Kakashi and he are returning from Tanzaku Town where they watched a play by wandering artists. Kakashi has been quiet for a long time after it ended, and it seems he was trying to understand the motivation of the main character._

_“He went back because the old man deserved it. Even if he were to die, he deserved to die in the arms of his friend. Do you remember what had happened to him?”_

_“Yes, I remember,” Kakashi says diligently. “His wife had died in the war and his wish was to see her one more time. He was so sad and gloomy.”_

_“And that is why the boy went back,” Sakumo nods. “The old man deserved to have a friend by his side. They all do, all the broken, the beaten and the damned, someone who is there for them, someone who listens and smiles and helps. If you ever see a person who is like that, Kakashi, don’t leave them alone.”_

Sorry, father, but I fucked that up big time.

Kakashi looked around the clearing where he had assembled his jōnin comrades for this little evening picnic. The atmosphere was quiet and rather somber. Everyone was a little bit cautious and suspicious to find themselves here. After all, Hatake Kakashi had never been the one to initiate social gatherings, in fact, all his life he had been trying to avoid them at all cost, and the fact that they were all here at his invitation made them feel a bit uneasy. Even more so, because one year ago today the Fourth Shinobi World War had ended. Kakashi caught Tenzō’s anxious look as if he was expecting Kakashi to do something stupid any minute now.

Don’t worry, Tenzō-kun, I absolutely will.

Kakashi opened a new bottle of beer and leaned back against a tree, quietly observing everyone present. Even though Kakashi had mastered the art of masked drinking, using his free hand to cover the little bit of skin that it was necessary to bare to quickly take a couple of gulps of the drink, people still politely turned away to give him some privacy and avoid seeing his face, which was all perfect right now, allowing Kakashi to stay enclosed in his thoughts.

He watched Genma and Raidō, the former casually sipping his drink and trying to make the latter laugh which was a bit of a feat in itself, because of how serious Raidō usually was.

_“Kakashi, it’s Yondaime-sama’s birthday today. We were thinking to have a little gathering… to remember him. We wanted to invite you too, as his former student.”_

_“I am sorry, I cannot come. I have… things to do,” is what Kakashi says, but what he actually means is “I would rather spend this time by the memorial stone, alone with my own pain and not share in yours.”_

He watched Anko and Ibiki reminisce on Naruto’s generation’s Chūnin Exams, of all things. Ibiki had a strange fondness for Naruto, and Anko cared about those kids too, despite her harsh and creepy attitude. Kakashi knew they would both carefully avoid discussing the ending of those said exams. No matter how much peace Anko had made with her past, nobody needed to think of Orochimaru on a day like that. Or on any day, for that matter.

 _Kakashi sees them drinking in a bar. He knows they rarely do this sort of thing, but it is still a scary way to let it all go, getting drunk like that in absolute silence. He isn’t particularly fond of those two, but they are his former classmates and they have been through_ a lot. _Even the ever formidable Ibiki needs coping strategies after all those years in the interrogation room._

 _“Come and sit with them for a while,” Sakumo’s voice rings in Kakashi’s head. “_ Talk _to them. It wouldn’t hurt you, son.”_

_“Wouldn’t it?” Kakashi wonders, walking away._

He watched Ebisu tell Aoba about how his students had grown. That was something Ebisu could talk about for ages, about how proud he was and how his students would become legendary shinobi one day, oh and did you hear how splendidly Konohamaru used Rasengan on Pain? Aoba sure had heard all those stories before, but he didn’t bother to cut Ebisu’s boasting off, just chiming in with some good-hearted tease or other instead.

_Kakashi has never seen Ebisu in a state like this. His body trembling like a leaf on the wind, he is holding onto Aoba, who has just delivered the bad news, to keep himself steady._

_“How am I supposed to say this to Konohamaru? I… I cannot… I don’t know how to…” Ebisu stutters in a barely audible voice._

_Aoba’s face wears an expression of silent panic. How do you tell a little kid that his beloved uncle fell in battle? This is not something they teach you at the Academy._

_“Aoba?.. Kakashi?.. Maybe you could help…”_

_“Stop coddling him. Konohamaru needs to understand that losing your loved ones is part of being a shinobi,” Kakashi says and immediately hates himself for it. The look Aoba shoots him from behind his glasses really doesn’t make him feel better._

He watched Kurenai struggle to keep her eyes open. He could see dark circles under her eyes and how tired she was. And yet she was still here, having left little Mirai in Shikamaru’s care for the evening. It was heart-warmingly surprising to see how much effort the usually lazy Shikamaru put in taking care of that little human being, and a bit terrifying to see how tired Kurenai was despite getting help and support from her friends. Kakashi was trying to imagine what being a single mother was like and settled on a never-ending 24/7 S-rank mission. Kurenai was really incredible and, quite possibly, the strongest of them all.

Can you see how your weary widow marches on with her head held high, Asuma? You’d better be damn proud of her.

_It’s already quite late when Kakashi comes to offer his congratulations. It didn’t occur to him that the child might be sleeping at this hour, and now he is standing there awkwardly, unsure whether he should ring the doorbell or just leave when the door opens, and he sees Kurenai holding the baby in her hands and smiling softly at him._

_Kakashi stares at the baby, transfixed. He hasn’t seen one in years, and why is she so tiny, and oh dear was he as tiny when he was born too? He thinks of how his mother might have held him as a baby, but he cannot remember her at all, despite his father’s best efforts to imprint her onto Kakashi’s mind. He wonders whether it would be the same for this girl and Asuma._

_Kakashi offers Kurenai the flowers he bought and asks her a couple of usual questions about her and baby’s well-being. His gaze keeps returning to the little bundle in Kurenai’s arms, however, and she notices it._

_“Do you want to hold her?” she smiles._

Yes. Yes, I do.

_“No, thank you,” Kakashi shakes his head. “I really should go. Congratulations again.”_

He watched Tenzō offer Kurenai a blanket. Despite him not exactly fitting in here generation-wise and still being somewhat stuck in the senpai-kōhai mentality, it felt right to have Tenzō here. He was a true friend who had endured a lot of Kakashi’s bullshit over the years. Although it would be more correct to say that Tenzō had generally endured a lot over the years from various sources and the last (hopefully, the last ever) World War had not been an exception. The man was, of course, as steady and reliable as ever, ready to work, give his all and be useful, but Kakashi had seen him in other moments too.

_Woken up by a subtle knock on the door of his flat, Kakashi instinctively draws a kunai from underneath his pillow, but then he recognises a familiar presence outside. Tenzō_ _was letting his comrade feel his chakra from behind the door on purpose. “We have peace now,” Kakashi had to remind himself, before putting the kunai away and getting up to open the door._

_“Apologies, Kakashi-senpai,” Tenzō_ _scratches his head, mildly embarrassed. “You told me that you sometimes cannot sleep, so I thought…”_

_Kakashi invites him into the living room. What do you do to cheer up a friend who cannot sleep because he is tortured by nightmares again? Before Kakashi’s sleepy mind can properly react, he blurts out, “I have shogi… Somewhere. You want to play?”_

_“Yes! I would love to!” uncomfortable with waking up his senpai, Tenzō_ _would have probably agreed to dressing up as dogs and going bungee-jumping from the Hokage Rock right now._

_Needless to say, it was the best game of shogi those two have ever had._

One person was notably absent, however, and the fact that no one present had so much as mentioned this, spoke volumes. Kakashi hadn’t properly spoken to Gai for months. The man had been actively avoiding him ever since Kakashi’d been there to see him wake up in the hospital after the whole Eighth Gate ordeal. Kakashi kept referring to it so casually to prevent himself from thinking about how _he had watched Gai die_ that day on the battlefield. His Eternal Rival might be painfully missing from his life now, but at least he was alive somewhere out there. Actually, Kakashi knew exactly where Gai was at all times and what he was doing. There were some perks to being Konoha’s Sixth Hokage and having the ANBU at your disposal after all.

Did you get the invitation that I put into your postbox, Gai? Did you read it? Or did you tear it to pieces immediately upon seeing my name on the envelope?

Kakashi swallowed the last of his beer and decisively put the empty bottle on the ground. It was time to do something stupid while Tenzō-kun wasn’t paying attention.

“I want to propose a toast.”

Eight pairs of eyes stared at him in disbelief. Kakashi got up from the ground to face them. What he would say now, he owed them all. He also owed it to…

_In the shinobi world, those who break the written and unwritten rules are deemed trash. But those who disregard and abandon their comrades… are even worse than trash. And those who don’t have the decency to respect the memories of their comrades… are the worst._

…those who were dead and gone, their memory carrying on through the ones who stayed alive. Obito’s misery and hate might have killed them all in the past war, both literally and metaphorically, but all Kakashi wanted to carry on was the will of his old comrade Uchiha Obito. The will that saved lives and helped others.

“A cheer for all the broken!” Kakashi exclaimed. “Because it’s who we are.”

…and so were father, Obito, Rin and many others… even sensei.

That was not something a shinobi was allowed to say out loud.

“Kakashi…” Anko said softly.

“Listen, all of you,“ Kakashi raised his hands asking for everyone to hear him out. “We have been at peace for a year now, but I am tired of pretending that we don’t need more time to come back from war.”

He could feel everyone tense and he knew he was saying what each of them had been thinking for the past year.

“These people we sought to kill years ago are our allies now. Even more, we share a bond of shedding our blood for the same cause. It might not have been easy to accept this, but we got to know many of our former enemies as people of worth and grew to respect them and work together with them. It also made us realise that for all our lives, we have been fighting in pointless wars over petty things that are all dwarfed by the threat we faced together during the last war. However, does it diminish the pain our allies previously inflicted on us and the pain we previously inflicted on them? Does it ridicule the deaths of all the loved ones lost in those pointless wars? Does it turn everyone’s suffering into something that can just be shrugged off to start sleeping well at night? No. No. And no. But it gives us shinobi a chance to talk about it, to admit what this world and this life had done to us. It’s time to stop being ashamed and hiding our scars. We have taken away, but we have lost, too. We have killed and lied and pretended, but we have also defended and grieved and tried our best to not turn into the worst kind of human trash, and we should honour this peace and this future by acknowledging that. So, I figured if the Hokage admitted it, anyone else would be allowed to as well. I owe this to all of you.”

Kakashi’s gaze found the faces of his comrades. All of them seemed lost in thought, some betraying no outward emotion, some rather uncomfortable at confronting their own unspoken woes like this. Finally, Kurenai spoke and Kakashi was convinced, yet again, that she was the strongest of them all.

“Kakashi is right. You know I have a small daughter at home, and I don’t want to hide this from her as she grows up. I want to protect her from all that we have been through, but I also want her to understand this world and genuinely want to make it a better place for everyone. And to do that, she needs to understand people like us, to understand what it was like to be shinobi for us. If we never talk about it, how would they learn?” she raised herself from the ground, grabbed a bottle of lemonade for herself and a bottle of beer that she gave to Kakashi when she stood next to him.

Tenzō was the next to get up. He, too, grabbed a bottle and simply said, “I stand by Rokudaime-sama.” Until that day, he had never referred to Kakashi by that title without a certain degree of irony behind it. Not that Kakashi was bothered by it. He generally didn’t take himself too seriously and he knew that he had always had Tenzō’s respect as an individual, however, this serious proclamation had put a smile on Kakashi’s face behind the mask.

Have I finally risen to the responsibility, Tenzō-kun?

“Fine,” Genma stood up lazily, chewing on his usual senbon, “if my Hokage wants to embarrass himself, who am I not to join in.”

That finally broke the dam. Everyone raised, drink in hand, some relieved, some still somewhat reluctantly, but when Kakashi had exclaimed, once again, “A cheer for all the broken!” everyone joined in. Bottles clinked and swigs were taken and smiles were exchanged, and Kakashi felt a bit light-headed and free from most of the weight that had been lying on his shoulders.

**We’ll carry on.**

In that very moment, a person had appeared on the clearing and everyone fell silent. It was the person who would usually welcome this sort of comradely commotion with childish enthusiasm and make everyone yell louder. So much starker was the contrast with their current solemn and solitary self.

“Gai,” Kakashi acknowledged the presence of his rival with a nod.

“Kakashi,” he got a response back in kind.

Two pairs of dark eyes stared into each other while everyone discreetly moved to leave. The fact that there was something wrong between Gai and Kakashi was a carefully guided secret, which, naturally, meant that the whole village knew about it. The last one to leave was Tenzō, dutifully taking all the empty bottles and other trash with him.

All the while, there was silence, until Gai finally spoke.

“That was a great speech.”

 _Rival._ The fact that Gai didn’t say it was a source of major irritation for Kakashi, just like Gai saying it all the time had been one in his childhood.

“You would do well to heed it too.”

“I think my scars are already there for everyone to see,” Gai said softly and continued, before Kakashi had a chance to respond. “Becoming the Hokage really changed you.”

_Rival._

“No, but defeating my demons did. Of course, I don’t expect you to understand it. Dead men have no demons, after all.”

Very few people, both allies and enemies, had ever seen Kakashi really, properly angry. There was always a kind of cold, precise cruelty to it, and Gai had seen it before, but never directed at him. His eyes went impossibly wide and he stared at Kakashi who was looking at him with a furious fire in his gaze. It was most unsettling, and Gai could almost feel Kakashi’s lightning chakra crackle in the air.

“All my life, I was secretly admiring you, always so upbeat, so tireless, so _there_ ,” Kakashi spoke deliberately slowly, enunciating every word as if wanting to imprint it on Gai’s mind. “I could never understand how you could pull it off, how you could stay the way you were in face of everything that was going on in life. But then it dawned on me, way too late, that there _was no life for you_. Just _waiting_ until you could go out in the blaze of glory, for one cause or another you chose to protect. A perfectly cheerful deadman walking, ignoring pain, suffering and grief. Why dwell on something that would not matter past the Eighth Gate anyway?”

Gai wanted to say something, but he didn’t dare. Not with Kakashi’s voice ringing through the air louder and louder like a storm.

“You’re such a liar, Gai. Such a hypocrite. You promised me we will be Eternal Rivals. What a cheap thing to say for someone who _knows there will be no eternity_ , for someone who wakes up and entertains the possibility that every day could be their last. I guess I always suspected it subconsciously. That is why I always hated this technique of yours, hated seeing you use it and hated you for teaching it to Lee. Because I knew that you brought him up to be just like you, and one day somewhere someone who would love him as much as I love you will watch him die!”

Kakashi just screamed those last words into the chilly late evening air and he could feel the lightning in his veins as he did. His display of emotion was not accidental, however, on the contrary, he meant to elicit a reaction out of Gai, he meant to shock him with his confession and hurt him with his accusations, but now that the cat was out of the bag, Kakashi was scared. He stared at Gai opening and closing his mouth, not being able to produce a single sound, the expression in his eyes absolutely unreadable, and it made Kakashi want to tear off his mask, grab the air around him and push it back into his mouth, swallowing his own words until all of them disappeared from the outside world like they’d never even been there. Instead, his fear just propelled him to keep talking, in a hope that Gai would forget about it or think that he’d misheard or misunderstood the “love” part of Kakashi’s speech.

“But now, for the first time, you are actually truly alive. You don’t have your magical heroic way out anymore. Now you have to _deal_ with things, like we plebs do. Wake up every morning and feel the weight on your shoulders, think about the ones you’ve outlived, think about mistakes you’ve made, think about _consequences_. Have you ever thought of consequences, Gai? Is that why you have been avoiding me ever since you woke up? Because, for the first time ever, you got a glimpse of a consequence in the pain in my eyes? Well, let me tell you, most of it was for you. I’ve learnt to deal with mine. I don’t want it to go away now like I used to when I was younger, I don’t want to forget it either, because it’s a part of me and makes me Hatake Kakashi. What makes you _you,_ Gai? Why are you hiding yourself from everyone these days? Please, don’t let Maito Gai be a lie.”

Suddenly, Kakashi sounded so tired. He needed to sit down somewhere he could lean back and close his eyes. As if in slow motion, he picked up two bottles of beer and threw one in Gai’s direction. His friend caught it in mid-air without even looking. Kakashi plopped down on the ground, leaning onto one of the big wheels of Gai’s wheelchair and raised his bottle in a lazy salute.

“Welcome to life, Gai. It hurts like hell, but, eventually, you are gonna love it.”

They sat in silence for a very long time, drinking. While Kakashi was drifting away, not allowing himself to overthink all that he’d just said, Gai was trying to come up with a response. There were so many things he wanted to say to Kakashi… How it was all part of his plan, how he wanted to take Kakashi’s pain away and have it burn with him to ashes when the day for the Eighth Gate would come… How he wanted Lee to be the master of his own fate, not a scared boy who got constantly told what he could and could not be… How he trusted Kakashi to be strong and live on and find happiness in the world without Gai… And, most importantly, how he was still himself, however worse for wear and overwhelmed by his own heartbreak that he didn’t want to burden anyone with, still completely unchanged deep down, still caring, still ready to embrace the whole world, still full of love for his friends, his students and, of course, for Kakashi. But some things Kakashi was right about. First, living on as a hero proved harder than passing on as a hero would be. It felt undeserved and it felt like his pain constantly gave birth to new pain in people around him. And he really was not prepared to deal with it. At this point, he would have been more content with being another name on the Memorial Stone and as time would have passed, people would have remembered him with a warm smile, just like he heard his students share more and more fond memories of Neji, instead of crying bitter tears for him. Second, Gai was indeed a hypocrite, for he’d always believed there would be no eternity. How could there be, he’d thought, when they were both just human. But now, sitting here with Kakashi, knowing that both of them had literally come back from the dead, he wasn’t so sure about that anymore.

“Wheel me home, Kakashi,” was all Gai said in the end.

These words jerked Kakashi back to action. Silently, he collected the last bottles from the ground and deposited them all on Gai’s lap. Kakashi’s fingers brushed against Gai’s hand and, unexpectedly, he blushed. He hadn’t touched his friend in months, and now, after all that he’d said, it felt different than usual, too.

They made their way through the sleeping streets of Konoha in absolute silence. One year of peace and allegiances with other villages did wonders to the place. The homes looked more cosy than before with people settling down in their accommodations long-term, knowing that their houses would not be destroyed tomorrow. However, in the light of colourful lanterns and street lamps, in spite of feeling the familiar hum of Gai’s chakra, Kakashi was still worried. There had been no proper response from Gai yet, no reaction. What if he would just say goodbye now and continue avoiding him? Kakashi remembered the unreadable expression on his friend’s face, but as far as he was concerned, Maito Gai had _never_ had unreadable expressions. So it had been something new and everything new about Gai was terrifying Kakashi right now.

When they came to a halt at Gai’s house, it took Kakashi some time to let go of the wheelchair. Immediately, Gai was energetically turning it around, and hope glimmered in Kakashi’s heart.

Please, say something _good_.

Gai took a deep breath and then yelled at a volume that scared away flocks of birds from the rooftops of neighbouring houses.

“You, Hatake Kakashi, are a worthy and noble man! I have decided to declare you my Eternal Rival, effective immediately! Tomorrow at dusk I shall await you at the Third Training Field for our First Youthful Challenge which you may pick.”

The warmth in Gai’s eyes made Kakashi’s heart somersault.

Well, if you say “Eternal” like you mean it, I’d better take it seriously.

“Very well,” Kakashi offered Gai a lazy smile, bowing down to collect the bottles from his lap, “Rival, tomorrow at dusk it is.”

His fingers brushed against Gai’s hand yet again, and this time, Kakashi was sure Gai had put his hand in his way on purpose.

He walked away and felt Gai’s gaze linger on his back. Kakashi smiled. Maybe it was time he’d created his first self-imposed rule ever.

If a shinobi of Konoha wins the challenge tomorrow, I’m going to kiss you.

Kakashi had never been more pleased with himself in his entire life. He had to talk to Gai again, there was yet so much they needed to understand about each other. So much pain to mend. But one thing Kakashi knew for sure: he would never leave his friends alone and he would never leave Gai alone. Such was his duty as a Hokage, as a shinobi and as a human being.

You know, father, this doesn’t feel like hardship at all. It feels like a privilege.

**We’ll carry on.**


End file.
